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I dated here and there for two years until I met my most serious boyfriend, the big addiction, a man so damaged and emotionally unavailable that trying to get consistent behavior out of him was like playing Emotional Unavailability Chess with Bobby Fischer.If the other guys had been gateway drugs, this guy was the Rejection Drug version of uncut smack, and I was completely ready to give up life, career, money and anything else that I had to get this guy to stay in love with me.
I didn't know what to do about what he said next: "Yeah, I always wanted to ask you out, but you were always into all these other really weird guys. He wouldn't have rejected me, so I wasn't really interested. After the Hot Jock boosted my confidence, I went out to my first fraternity party and picked up the hottest football player I could find.
Once I learned how to love myself, it became the foundation for a tremendous amount of bravado.
If I could rid myself of the wrong guys in my life, what other wrongs could I right? I got rid of toxic friends who fostered negative feelings in me.
I would fall madly for them, they would lose interest, and I would lie at home crying into my covers.
I'd lament love and listen to depressing radio until some poor guy would pick up a pencil I dropped in English class and become my next unwitting pusher.
He made a beeline for me at a party, and with one look at this Christian Slater look-alike, life as I knew it disappeared.
We spent the entire night talking and kissing on the stairs of the fraternity house.
Every time I would meet some gorgeous guy who had that playful "I am totally going to mess with this girl" twinkle in their eye, I'm sure the pain was evident on my face as I convinced myself to stay the course.
I declined invitations; I ached for someone to touch me, for the drama of a bad relationship.
I took myself out on dates instead of someone else taking me out, and I learned that I really value my own company.
Without anyone else to get high on, I decided to make myself a bit of an addiction, and I learned that I was pretty freaking awesome.
That was how it started: I became a Rejection Junkie.